Hello Johana
I am writing this because I had a nightmare and I was so real and I know its going to happen. I dream I went to queens and saw you and you saw me and you told me you didn’t love me.
Im writing this to you because I cant bare to talk to you in person now. I cant pick up the phone and hear my voice and your voice. I cant think about me thinking about you. I cant see you or know you or feel you or kiss you or touch you or anything. I really cared about you and I really loved you I didnt know if you cared about me. I still don’t know if you do. I don’t know much about myself but the thing I knew with out a doubt was that you were amazing. Im a man…no a boy, who doesn’t have plans or an Idea of direction most of the time, but I was sure my gut and my heart was my guide to you but I could bank on the fact that I was in love. Yea, im said love. I ve seen a lot of girls and they just weren’t like you. Johana, you are so beautiful to me, I really cant describe. The gods cant create a language with the words to sum up you in my eyes. You were gonna be my Andromeda, you were gonna be my Juliet, you were gonna be mine to have and to really care about. My life was never bad, and my feelings were never with rage or malice. But my understanding of things that surround me left me a pessimist with little to hope for. I love my family and kung fu, and that was my life, and when I saw you gave me hope and feeling. I haven’t cared about things for a long time until you. You have rejected me so many times I don’t even have a true count. We were on the train once. And I looked at you and I was so happy I had met you. I was weak and vulnerable. Ive spent the last five years trying to own myself and not care about the things that make me human in hopes of becoming something greater than myself and you were the flaw to me. You found my weakness and you had me in your hands like butter. For you, I was gonna give up what I held sacred I was consciously aware of it. Every time you dumped me and took me back, it was the same thought that ran through my heart….I know she loves me, but she doesn’t know…. I really hoped youdid. And you really crushed me. I see you in my heart as a god. But you cant be that anymore. No. I wont allow it to happen again. My mom, my real mind, hates you because you hurt me, and thinks im a fool for justifying my feelings for you. Im not crazy I know it but I was with you not wanting to see me or whatever, I argued with my mom about you, and my heart was right but my mind kept saying she was. But I didn’t care. I was going to forget logic, forget everything, even forget myself… for you Johana. Remember, “Theres a lot madness in love but there reason in madness”. I have dived into that pit of not knowing what you felt, blindly, in hopes you would care, but still I really don’t think you do. It ok, its not ok, but its ok. Johana, Idont know what to say, I don’t care if you don’t understand anything I written to this point. Please, if there is any thing you take serious from me or care about from me its this:
I Love you Johana, but I really cant be yours to tear up and cripple, even as much as I would allow that to happen (as I think with my heart). Im sorry you don’t care about me and I really hope you find someone who makes you happy. I love you with my heart so much, I just want you to be happy even if I don’t exist in that picture. You go beyond the relevantce of me johana. That’s a fancy way of saying that Ive cared about you more than I have myself. I cant be with you or know you because its killing my mind. I am a warrior by nature, and I cant justify fighting this battle I lost along time ago. I cant allow you to be my bane anymore girl.
The sad thing is that im not even sure if youll care about what I have written. Ive spilled the beans to my soul or whatever organ has driven me to keep on trying you, johana. Come to think of it, im quite sure my heart wasn’t guiding me, because you had it in that tiny little palm of yours all along.
Goodbye, Johana Correa
